Parenting through hard times like death, serious illness, or transition is just not the same as normal life parenting. This is because parents and kids have different needs, and sometimes those needs are conflicting. For example, a parent may need extra alone time while a child may need extra hands-on comfort from the parent in need of alone time. That’s where these parenting tips come in. You may already know I am deep in the weeds of my own hard time (a transition, I suppose). The experience has inspired some reminders and tips for other parents going through hard times.
Long story short, we were living overseas. Ukraine was our home. We evacuated and are now waiting, unsure if we will return, where we will live next, or when we will go. You can read more about it below, but that’s not what this one is about. This one is about parenting through hard times, so read on to learn some of the tips that have been most helpful for me.
Parenting Tips for Hard Times
These parenting tips are for the hard times, but they apply to the good times and the normal times, too. As always, they may not all be for you. Pick and choose what’s right for you and forget the rest.
Parenting Tip #1: Don’t expect other people to understand what you’re going through or what you need.
People on the outside, anyone not part of your immediate family living in the home with you and your kids, are probably not going to get it unless they have been through something very similar. Even then, it’s not going to be the same. Empathy is great, but it only goes so far. You and your kids are different from everyone else. They can mean well all day long and still make things harder for you. Dropping the expectation of others can free you from a lot of emotional struggles. It can be okay that others don’t get it and say and do all the wrong things. That’s why there are boundaries.
Parenting Tip #2: Don’t listen to all the advice and accept all the “help” from others.
If it doesn’t serve you and your family, lose it. Saying “no” is completely acceptable. Plus, it models healthy boundaries for your kids to be able to do the same when they need to. Hold firm. You know best what you and your kids need. It’s not your job, especially during hard times, to make others feel good about “helping” you and your family. If they have a problem with it, that’s their problem. You can do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your family in your time of need, without feeling guilty about it. If you have guilt, work on that. Don’t change your boundaries to accommodate others at the expense of yourself and your kids.
Parenting Tip #3: Create some kind of normalcy, even if it’s just a tiny resemblance of normalcy.
This could be anything. Ideally, it is something that fits uniquely with your family. It can be a routine, ritual, or connection with a special object. For example, it could be a morning gratitude practice or a bedtime story. Perhaps there’s a special blanket or toy that can always be available for those moments of needing extra comfort. Something like a weighted blanket or sensory swing could serve as a double-dip, meaning it serves two purposes. Scheduling a sensory swing session every day at the same time can be that normalcy plus a way to calm and process emotions through controlled movement.
Part of this will depend on the ages of the children, their personalities and needs, and what is realistic given the situation and lifestyle. The big key here is that it has to be something that can happen every single day. That repetition is where the magic happens because it’s something everyone can count on. Even a single day of disruption can be a big challenge, to say the least.
Hint: kids aren’t the only ones who benefit from daily normalcy. It can be a huge help for parents to create a daily pocket of normalcy for themselves to provide stability while parenting through what may seem like total chaos.
Parenting Tip #4: Find little ways to bond and heal together.
Sometimes we all need to be alone when going through hard times. That’s okay, AND we can benefit from togetherness. That may look like quality, interactive time together. It may also look like doing something independently in the same room. Physical closeness can bring comfort even when not interacting. There can also be an extra layer of healing in sharing something together. Each parent and child may crave something different, and at a different time. That’s okay, too.
Do your best to strike some kind of balance. I know, this is easier said than done. Not everyone is going to be 100% satisfied all the time. However, good enough is completely attainable and realistic. Try to find something to share together. It could be a new hobby, or as simple as setting aside laundry folding time for a check-in conversation. Bonus: that’s another double-dip. Every meal has multiple opportunities for bonding, too. It can be a process of deciding priorities (ex. discussing health goals), making a plan for meals, grocery shopping, preparing the food, and then actually sitting down together to eat. In case you were wondering, toddlers are not too young to take part in this. It can set them up for a lifetime of thoughtful, healthy eating habits. (That’s the functional nutritionist in me coming through.)
Parenting Tip #5: It’s okay to grieve in your own way and experience a wide range of emotions.
Yes, that means it’s okay, even normal, to have moments of joy during times of trauma. Laughter is okay, and it’s good because it’s a release. Guilt is normal and okay. Laughter and joy could be followed by guilt because of the laughter and joy – and this is okay. It’s all part of emotional processing. Allow yourself to feel it all. Cry, have fun, say seemingly ridiculous stuff you don’t really believe, yawn 10 times in a row, and release anything you have been holding back (safely, of course).
Emotions tend to go in waves. At times it may feel like you’re in two different worlds at the same time. It’s okay to have one foot in grief and the other in happier times. Live in the past or in the future for a moment if that feels right to you. Take your time. In reality, there is no “normal” when parenting through hard times. Feel whatever you’re feeling.
Want some real-life examples of these parenting tips?
You may be wondering what inspired this post and these parenting tips. In case you missed it, we evacuated our home in Ukraine to wait in a temporary location. Yes, wait, not knowing how long or where to go next. Unsure but hopeful of an eventual return to our home.
Sometimes the Best Parenting Tips Come from Survival Mode
I’m human. There have been moments of struggle through this phase, to be sure. I have spent some time being bitter and complaining. Survival mode came quite a few times throughout the journey this far (and may again before we settle). Then, I have found ways to refocus and recognize the beauty of it all. Survival mode doesn’t have to last forever. It doesn’t even have to stay for the entire hard time. Yes, it’s possible to step out of survival mode, even when still in the midst of that big, challenging experience. Pick a couple of parenting tips for hard times, try them, and see what you can improve.
There are Always Positives and Opportunities, Though Sometimes Hidden Well
It hasn’t all been bad. We have experienced growth. There are so, so many opportunities in hard times to learn and strengthen as individuals and together. We are not the same people we were before we evacuated, and that’s a good thing. Of course, I would wash away the war in a heartbeat if I could, but I wouldn’t give back my own, personal struggles. They have made me a better, more capable parent, professional, and person. I am thankful for the experience. Every single day I feel so incredibly fortunate for all we have. Then there’s the dark cloud of it all. It’s two feelings at the same time – intense gratitude for all the good AND literally sick about the worse-than-bad.
Sheltering as a Parent vs. Embracing the Growth Opportunity
While I have so many thoughts and feelings about protecting my girls from the horrors of war and the incomprehensible cruelty that can come of it, I’m not sure I’m sorry they know. I would much rather they learn about these realities when I’m here to guide them. Later could be too late. Plus, I have seen them change and grow more amazing by the day. Of course, this is a personal decision. I’m not going to pretend to have all the “right” answers (there is no “right” answer that works for every family). This is what we have found to work for us. Talking about things together has helped. Providing a safe space for them to ask questions, and honest answers, have been healing for them.
My girls constantly impress me with their thoughts of support and possible resolution. Empathy, sacrifice, awareness, and consideration for humanity are at all-time highs over here. These are great things that are so needed, and the hardships we have faced are shaping them. Eventually, something great will come of it, I am sure because the next generation is watching. These kids, all around the world, will improve upon what we have now. We just have to do the best we can now, and then get out of their way.
My Personal Normalcy Failure (and Recovery) Story
Before our life as we knew it crumbled, I had a wonderful bedtime routine with my girls. The highlight was reading a book together. We bonded through the stories and made a whole event of it. This included talking about the characters and their journeys and applying lessons to our own lives. We ate it up.
As the days passed and our real lives became more chaotic and unstable, we began to cling harder to our storytime. It became a massive pillar of normalcy for us as our daily routines faded. When the official word came out that we would be evacuating our home I realized we were about a quarter of the way through… a library book.
Oops.
So, I reluctantly returned the book the following day, chose a (boring) book that we owned, and tried to make it as fun as possible. It served its purpose until we got on solid ground, finished it, and purchased a copy of the book we had started and returned before evacuating. Now we are back to that story and it is an extra comfort because we started it when we were still at home, back when life was stable.
The point is that it’s okay if there’s a break in the normalcy. There are ways to recover. Sometimes it ends up being better than if there hadn’t been a break. The key is to not let it go too long before regaining normalcy. It’s not about initial success vs. failure; It’s about the recovery and long-term result. Make the most of the situation, do the best you can, and get back on course when you feel that we’re-going-to-lose-it tug.
That Time I Lost My Ground as a Parent
So, we talked about survival mode a bit already. I am a different parent when I am in survival mode and my kids know it. Yup, I turn into that “sure, whatever you want” parent because sometimes I just can’t. There were times when they really did need that flexibility, so it worked… temporarily. The evacuation was fresh, we were still in shock over the invasion, and none of us knew what was happening with our life. I needed some space to myself and they needed to do whatever they felt in the moment. They didn’t need me questioning what or why because they weren’t in a place to explain something they were still trying to process. I wasn’t following my own parenting tips. It worked until it didn’t.
For us, that super flex life is just not okay long-term.
To accomplish our goals and feel our best we thrive with an outline of a routine and schedule, at a minimum. When the girls were incredibly jet-lagged, sick, and emotionally drained in every way they didn’t need me waking them super early on weekends and holding firm to bedtime. They needed me to listen to their heartaches, even in the middle of the night. It wasn’t just bedtime; it was most areas. I let it go on too long partially because I questioned how much flexibility they needed and partially because I didn’t have the energy to make a change. It caught up with all of us.
When I felt the pendulum had swung too far to the “I’m not going to be a parent right now” side I checked in with myself and my kids. It was obvious we needed a change. So I made a plan, initiated, failed a few times, adjusted, and here we are. Now we’re back to as normal as it can be when living in a temporary situation evacuated from home due to war. Did I just make that up? Apparently, this is real life – still can’t fully believe it.
You Can Find Your Way as a Parent in Hard Times, Too!
Hint: Try the Parenting Tips!
I know how challenging it can be to parent in hard times. So many thoughts and feelings can creep in. You are not alone. Think you could use a little extra support? I’ve got your back.
Click here to learn more about how we can work together.
5 Parenting Tips for Hard Times
- Don’t expect other people to understand what you’re going through or what you need.
- Don’t listen to all the advice and accept all the “help” from others.
- Create some kind of normalcy, even if it’s just a tiny resemblance of normalcy.
- Find little ways to bond and heal together.
- It’s okay to grieve in your own way and experience a wide range of emotions.
This blog post relates to the number five (5 parenting tips for hard times). Here are some more blog posts related to the word “five” (but not parenting tips) from other sites:
5 Messages of Hope in a Topsy Turvy World by Sharla Hallett
Five Steps to Becoming a More Technically Savvy Boomer by Regina Marcazzo-Skarka
Five Things I Have Learned During a Crisis by Jessica Weaver
Five Good Things to Do for Your Soul in May by Dianne Vielhuber
Five Favorite Foods to Grow in Small Spaces by Jessica Haberman